Finding Your Soulmate
A Step by Step Guide
I have read that the Chinese characters for soul mate literally mean, “to remember, to know, and to master oneself.”
Wow!
To remember myself!
To know myself!
To master myself!
When I read that, I had to put the book down and really think.
As I navigate through life, making decisions and setting priorities and going about my life, am I remembering me? Am I considering myself, my needs, and my well-being as I make those decisions, set those priorities, and go through my days and nights?
Do I know my own needs? Do I know my own mind? Am I aware of the thoughts and feelings flowing through me in a constant current – sometimes a drip and sometimes a raging river – but always that current running through me, am I aware of it? Or rather, am I aware of the Me beyond the thoughts and feelings? The Me that is Changeless? Or am I fooled into thinking that this current of thoughts and emotions and activity that I experience every waking moment is me?
And mastering myself! That sounds kind of harsh, doesn’t it? But maybe, this is more about awareness. Maybe, when I become clear that I am the thing that is Changeless, beyond the thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and words, maybe then I will find my equanimity. Maybe mastering myself is not about having full control. Maybe it is about letting go of all the noise, and allowing myself to rest in the Changeless.
To be.
Not to do or to think or to accomplish or to plan or to enjoy or to rest or any of that.
Just be.
I loved the idea of becoming my own soul mate, and there were more radical ideas in the same book. It’s called Flowers in the Dark, by Sister Dang Nghiem, MD. She is a brilliant and kind Vietnamese American medical doctor who gave up her practice to take vows as a Buddhist nun. I will read every word she writes for the rest of her life. I strongly encourage you to do so as well.
It was in this book, also, that I was introduced to the idea that the first step in healing from trauma is to learn to love ourselves. Sister Nghiem, like me, experienced serious childhood trauma, and like me, it caused her to feel a great deal of shame and self-hatred. When we are children, and the people who are supposed to love us and protect us do not do so, it often causes us to conclude that we are not worthy of their love and protection. If they not only fail to love and protect us, but also cause us harm, we conclude that we deserve it.
Long past childhood, long past the actual acts of abuse, the belief that we do not deserve love, and in fact deserve painful beatings, rape, molestation, name calling, and worse, we continue to believe in our own lack of worth.
A shaman once told me that my soul was splintered by past pain, but that my own shame and self-hatred were not only preventing it from healing, but splintering it further. And she was right.
Sister Ngheim shares that, as part of her own healing journey, she practiced looking into her eyes in the mirror daily while telling herself, “I love you.” She thanked her feet after a long walk, and told them that she loved them. She thanked her brain after writing a chapter, and told it she loved it. She thanked her hands after preparing herself a meal and – you guessed it – told them that she loved them.
I started doing all of that. It felt ridiculous. It felt pointless. It felt self-indulgent. It felt like a waste of time.
But nothing else had worked—I was continuing to splinter my soul and spread my trauma around like a toddler smears grape jelly on a brand-new white couch. And there she was – a healthy, happy whole person who had recovered from unspeakable abuse and was not only surviving but using her experiences of pain to help others. Her way looked much better to me, so I kept going.
One day, I looked in the mirror and paused. Something was missing. The judgment! I realized. It was my own judgment of myself that was missing. I was able to look in the mirror without immediately launching into a mental tirade on all that was wrong with me, from my physical flaws to the things I had forgotten to get done or done poorly to the ways in which I failed those who counted on me, and more. I had not even realized how much hateful self-talk I was engaging in every day of my life until that one day, for just that moment, it stopped.
And it was heavenly! Such a lovely silence in my mind. I did not immediately fill up with self love and love myself forever more. But just that little reprieve from my self abuse was all I needed. I was hooked. I wanted that.
So I kept going.
And then I added to that routine. In addition to writing down five things per day I was grateful for, I wrote down five things about me that I am grateful for. That was hard! Just as when I began my daily gratitude list, there were days that I could not come up with anything. Where all I could write was, “I’m trying.” And that was something great about me. So I decided it’s perfectly fine to write that down five times a day until I found more things I liked about myself.
I realized that my beloved animals had no trouble coming up with reasons to love me. Every one of them looks at me like I am the most beautiful, wonderful thing they have ever seen. Every one of them would do absolutely anything to protect me and to care for me.
And they are very, very smart.
I caught myself thinking, “They love me because I feed them and care for them, because I helped them each to escape from their own abusive pasts.”
And then I said, “Yes! Those are all more things to be grateful for about me! I did help these beautiful beings rescue themselves, and I do ensure that their needs are met. That is not easy by any stretch, so, yes. They do love me,” and here was the big finale, “I deserve their love, and what’s more, I deserve the same level of care and protection that I provide to them.”
So, I decided to treat myself like one of my animals and ensure that all of my needs are met.
Was I eating healthy food? I don’t give my beloveds junk food, why was I ingesting that stuff?
Was I getting enough quality sleep?
Was I getting enough physical activity?
Did I have appropriate companions?
Was I tending to my emotional health?
My spiritual health?
When I started looking at my needs from the outside, as if I were one of my animals, it offered me some objectivity. I was able to see where I was falling short on basic care for myself and slowly started working to correct those areas.
As I began to love myself, my healthiest friends became closer, while others drifted away. Inspired by Sister Nghiem's wisdom and the simple yet profound practices she shared, I began to implement small, daily rituals that transformed my life. Here are the steps that have helped me—and can help you too—on this beautiful path to self-love and healing:
Steps to Love Yourself
1. Remember Yourself: Reflect on your needs and well-being. Regularly check in with yourself to ensure you are honoring your true self.
2. Know Yourself: Cultivate self-awareness. Recognize your thoughts and emotions, and understand that you are more than these fleeting experiences.
3. Master Yourself: Focus on awareness rather than control. Embrace the part of you that is constant and unchanging, and find peace in this understanding.
4. Practice Self-Love: Incorporate daily affirmations of love towards yourself. Look in the mirror and say, "I love you," and thank your body and mind and heart and soul for all they do.
5. Acknowledge Your Progress: Keep a gratitude list in your daily mindfulness journal that includes things you appreciate about yourself. Start with small acknowledgments and let them grow.
6. Meet Your Needs: Treat yourself with the same care and compassion you would offer a beloved animal companion. Ensure you are eating well, getting enough rest, and maintaining physical and emotional health.
7. Cultivate Healthy Relationships: Surround yourself with supportive and positive people who encourage your self-love journey.
8. Forge Deep Connections with Rescued Animals: Volunteer at a sanctuary near you and form bonds with rescued farm animals, who are exceptional at teaching us about unconditional love and self-acceptance. I specify rescued farm animals because prey animals are more calming and helpful to us in transcending trauma than are predators. I’ll share more about the science behind that in next week’s article. (And this doesn’t mean you should not also enjoy those wonderful loving relationships with cats and dogs as well!)
By falling deeply, truly, unconditionally in love with your own self, you will find that you have become your own soul mate. Does this mean that you will never find love? It means the opposite.
When we find profound love and appreciation for ourselves, we not only become more capable of offering that same, big, open-hearted love to someone else, but we also begin to attract those who also love themselves — not in an egoistic way, but in a real way. When we love ourselves, we are strong enough to love others with arms open wide, shining our heart lights on the objects of our affections, hands open, palms up. Consider that image for a moment, even try out the pose I have just described. How is it different from our more traditional approach to loving someone by holding them tightly to us, arms closed around them?
We give those we love space to breathe and grow and be when we love ourselves. We give them room to move and even dance within our love. Starting with a base of true self love and care is the strongest foundation for any and every relationship to blossom, whether it be friendships, work relationships, and yes, also romantic relationships, if that is something we truly desire.
Embarking on the journey to love yourself is the most profound gift you can give to your soul. Remember that every step you take towards self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-care is a victory. You are worthy of love, compassion, and kindness, not just from others, but most importantly, from yourself. Embrace the beauty of becoming your own soulmate, and let this love guide you to a life of peace, fulfillment, and joy. You deserve to be loved deeply and unconditionally by the person who knows you best: you. Keep going, and watch as your inner light grows brighter each day. And never underestimate the power of unconditional love from rescued animals, who remind us that we, too, are deserving of such pure affection.
