***TRIGGER WARNING: the following essay contains scenes of violence against a child and hateful language. ***
Panda, a fawn-colored boxer, towered over my toddler self, her presence both comforting and larger than life. Though, in retrospect, she would appear average-sized compared to the menagerie of beloveds that would later grace my life — ranging from the tiniest of creatures to the majestic giants of the sanctuary I now call home.
Yet, Panda's true magnificence lay not in her physical stature, but in the boundless love, compassion, and nurturing she provided during my formative years. From the first moment I can remember, she was my steadfast companion, my guardian angel in fur. Her devotion knew no bounds, and her ability to soothe and comfort me through the storms of my childhood remains etched in my heart to this day.
But it was not just her unwavering love that set Panda apart; it was her extraordinary talent for making music. Yes, you read that right — Panda, the canine virtuoso, had a knack for tickling the ivories. Standing proudly on her hind legs, she would eagerly paw at the keys of our old piano, a symphony of joyful chaos ensuing with each playful chord. Though no recognizable melody ever emerged, the sheer delight in her wide grin, the sparkle in her eyes, and the infectious laughter that bubbled from both of us turned those discordant notes into a symphony of love and laughter.
I can still hear the echoes of her joyful howls as she accompanied her impromptu piano performances, a testament to the unbridled joy she brought into my life. In those moments of shared merriment, I found solace and levity amidst the darkness that threatened to engulf me. It was as if Panda, whose name means “wisdom,” instinctively understood the healing power of laughter and play, gently guiding me towards a path of resilience and hope.
Though my time with Panda was brief, her legacy lives on in the laughter that echoes through the barns of Indraloka, in the melodies that dance on the breeze, and in the hearts of all that I have been able to love because of the boundless love that she gave me so freely.
And as I travel this road of healing and transformation, I carry her spirit with me, a light amidst the shadows — a reminder that even in the darkest of times, love and laughter have the power to illuminate our path to wholeness.
I think if Herma, my mother, had been born today, she would not have had children. I think she, like me, is perhaps not best suited to motherhood. But in those days, most people thought that life’s only path was marriage and parenthood.
If you never feel complete love and safety as a child, how could you possibly offer it to your own child? This is the dilemma of the parent who has not fully healed from their own wounds.
Research shows that parents that have not yet transcended childhood suffering have difficulty forming bonds with their children. They may also be inconsistent caregivers, and have trouble recognizing and responding to the emotional needs of their children.
My parents loved us with all of their hearts. I know they did. But they simply did not have the capacity to love deeply and unconditionally, nor did they have the capacity to be consistent in their care.
Our emotional needs tended to trigger fear, frustration, or rage. In those early days, my father’s dark skin made getting work as a professional difficult. I’m sure he could have gotten a job as a laborer, but he was a highly skilled mechanical engineer and a physicist. He sought work in research and development, and in the US of the early 1970s, he was not considered someone who looked or sounded the part. I imagine that he felt emasculated, not being able to support his family.
My mother, who had a degree in medical technology and white skin, easily found work in a hospital. So, my father was my primary caregiver in my earliest years.
I remember him giving me a bath before bed one evening when I was about three. I was crying, I don’t know why. But my tears incited his rage. He kicked me, and I fell, hitting my chin against the bathtub. Seven stitches later, my parents’ story morphed into me having taken an innocent tumble. It confused me, but I never told a soul.
Another time, I remember hiding in my bedroom, playing with a little pink and white cardboard bunny I had made at a children’s program at the library, while my parents fought loudly and frighteningly. My father came into my room and I cowered, hiding behind a small wooden doll highchair. Enraged, my father slammed the highchair over my head while screaming that I was a slut.
This was common — calling me a slut. I have no idea why, yet I imagine he must have witnessed his younger sisters or other little girls being raped during the war, when he was just a terrified child himself.
Clearly, as a toddler I could not have been promiscuous. Nonetheless, that word was deeply embedded in my psyche. Long before I knew its meaning, I knew the shame it implied, and somehow also understood that this was a special shame reserved for girls.
When these kinds of incidents unfolded, Panda stayed out of the way until all was quiet. When the storm subsided, she’d materialize by my side. I’d grab onto her and sob into her fur until I could barely breathe. I’d gasp for air and wretch and wail so long and so hard it felt like my pain and shame turned me inside out.
Panda stayed with me as long as I needed, wrapping herself around me, occasionally pulling away to lick the tears from my face. Often, I’d fall asleep crying in her arms. She always stayed right there, holding and comforting me as only a mother can.
Later, much later, my father would knock softly on my door and tiptoe in, crying. He’d lift me into his arms, his hot tears falling on my face as he whispered how sorry he was, and how much he loved me. Panda would curl up with us as we three struggled to find our way back from the darkness.
Soon, my mother would call for dinner, and we all went on as if none of it had ever happened.
Panda had a strong nurturing instinct, not only during times of angst, but all the time. And my parents trusted her completely. So, Herma would often leave me in Panda’s care while she cleaned or cooked or sewed in another room.
Family legend has it that I never cried. (I think they meant that I never cried for something I needed, as clearly I did cry when one of those family storms swept through.) I do think I remember, though, that Panda anticipated my every need — diaper changes, food, whatever a baby might cry for. She would alert my mother, who would then dutifully change my diaper, feed me, or clean me.
Panda kept me from crawling towards stairs or pulling things down on my head. She kept me safe and made me feel loved. As I write this, I realize that it is only because of Panda’s nurturing and unconditional love in those early years that I survived everything that was to come, which was much, much worse.
I’ve always said we need our beloved animals more than they need us. My whole life, I’ve been surrounded by creatures of every species who were able to give me the love and security I so desperately needed, but my broken parents couldn’t provide. What Grace. I believe that was God working through Panda, holding the wounded toddler Indra as she sobbed.
Isn’t that who God is? True, pure, whole, compassionate love?
I do believe my parents loved us with all of their hearts and did their very best for us. But they were walking wounded. They couldn’t love as fully as they wished because they were damaged by violent wars and terrible pain during the most crucial formative years of their lives.
Remember, we only have two choices. If we don’t actively work to transcend our trauma, we will transmit it. There are no exceptions to this rule.
In the midst of so many violent storms, when fear gripped my tiny heart, Panda was there, her gentle presence a soothing balm to my wounded soul. In her eyes, I found the unconditional love and unwavering compassion that seemed elusive in the human world. Looking back, I realize that God's Grace found me in the form of a loyal, four-legged friend — a reminder that even in the darkest of times, love and light can pierce through the shadows. Through Panda, I learned that Grace has a way of finding us, no matter how dark the night may seem, illuminating our path with the promise of healing, hope, and unending love.
Discussion
The impact of trauma on childhood attachment
Trauma is cyclical in nature. Like a boulder rolling downhill, gathering speed as it goes, each successive generation that does not work through their pain to heal can be counted upon to be more badly damaged and in turn more damaging to those around them, especially loved ones. If we do not actively work to transcend our trauma, we will transmit it to others.
In psychological parlance, we rarely use words like love. Instead, we refer to secure versus insecure attachment. Attachment theory suggests that early experiences with caregivers shape our beliefs about ourselves and others, influencing our ability to form secure attachments later in life. The single most damaging effect of childhood trauma, in my perspective, is the loss of the ability to give and receive unconditional love.
Post traumatic growth and parenting
However, when we work to transcend our trauma, we open ourselves up to post traumatic growth. Post traumatic growth is just what it sounds like — positive changes brought on through the process of transcending trauma. For parents, this can mean that we have the capacity to become even better caregivers because of the lessons we have learned as we heal. Our ability to give and receive unconditional love (form secure attachments) is an important example.
Parents who have not transcended their trauma may struggle with providing unconditional love and a sense of safety for their children, whereas children who receive consistent love and care develop a belief that they are, in fact, lovable, which provides a sense of safety and security in relationships. Lack of unconditional love in childhood causes a range of problems later in life, including emotional and behavioral problems, difficulty forming close relationships, increased vulnerability to depression, and more.
On the other hand, parents that have successfully transcended their trauma, thereby experiencing post traumatic growth exhibit a strong capacity to demonstrate their love for their children. This is critical, because having someone who loves us completely gives us the strength we need to endure life’s greatest pains and makes our own post traumatic growth more likely. When children experience unconditional love, they are more likely to develop resilience and have an easier time transcending trauma later in life.
Neurobiology of unconditional love and safety
The healing power of unconditional love and safety — from even just one individual — in transcending childhood trauma can be understood through neurobiology, specifically as it relates to oxytocin, “the love hormone”. We produce oxytocin in our hypothalamus. Oxytocin regulates the wiring in our brains related to our ability to relate to others and also acts to calm our fear, reducing the tendency to fall back on fight or flight reactions gratuitously. Notably, two of the three primary regions of the brain that are negatively impacted as a result of traumatic experiences, the hypothalamus and amygdala, are the very same parts of the brain that produce and distribute oxytocin.
Oxytocin promotes feelings of trust, bonding, and well-being by enhancing social interactions, reducing fear, increasing generosity and empathy, and improving social cohesion.
The role of love in well-being
Studies have shown that children who have experienced unconditional love and safety in childhood do better later in life. They tend to have better mental health, higher self-esteem, and healthier relationships. These, in turn, reduce the negative effects of childhood trauma and contribute to overall well-being.
In fact, unconditional love and safety provided by a caregiver are key to future health and well-being. Children who feel loved and supported are more likely to develop resilience—the ability to bounce back from adversity—and to thrive despite challenging circumstances.
And so, once again the age-old lesson emerges. Love conquers all— or at least cushions against all to the point that we can survive it. The presence of someone who loves us unconditionally and provides a safe and nurturing environment in childhood plays a crucial role in our ability to later transcend trauma. These positive experiences shape our brain development, foster resilience, and promote long-term well-being, highlighting the importance of unconditional love in mitigating the effects of childhood trauma.
Factors influencing post traumatic growth
Post traumatic growth leads to a range of positive changes in survivors' perspectives and quality of life. (It is important to consider that cultural factors play a role in how post traumatic growth is experienced and reported. This is something we will explore in future articles.) Post traumatic growth is most likely to be experienced by people who have strong, healthy relationships and spiritual beliefs, and who have learned healthy strategies to cope with stress and life’s challenges.
Breaking the cycle
The only way to break free of the dangerous and nightmarish cycle of trauma is to transcend our suffering and embrace healing with courage and compassion. Through self-awareness and introspection, we can begin to unravel the tangled threads of trauma that bind us, reclaiming our power and rewriting the narrative of our lives. By cultivating resilience, fostering meaningful connections, and seeking support from compassionate allies, we can interrupt the cycle of intergenerational trauma and pave the way for a brighter, more hopeful future. It is through our collective journey towards wholeness and healing that we can break free from the chains of the past and create a legacy of love, resilience, and redemption for generations to come.
There are many ways for us to attain post traumatic growth. Below are a few you can get started on right now. In upcoming articles, we will delve into each of these strategies in more depth, providing practical tips and insights for integrating them into your life. For our paid subscribers, we're excited to offer additional resources to support your journey towards post traumatic growth. As a companion to this article, we have included a guided meditation and a healing exercise designed to complement the strategies discussed. These resources are intended to provide practical tools for integrating the concepts discussed into your daily life at your own pace. We hope you find them beneficial on your path to healing and resilience.
1. Seek Help from Animal Friends: Volunteer at a sanctuary, where you can develop relationships while caring for rescued pigs, cows, sheep, or others. With time and an open heart, you will find yourself connecting with one or more of them. By experiencing their unconditional love, you will begin the process of mending your past insecure attachments. Soon, you will find your heart expanding, and will discover within you the capacity to shower others with pure, true, unconditional love.
2. Deepen Your Spiritual Practice: Embarking on a journey of spiritual exploration or deepening one's existing spiritual practices can be a transformative path towards post traumatic growth. Engaging in practices such as prayer, meditation, or mindfulness can foster inner peace, resilience, and a sense of purpose, while connecting with a higher power or spiritual community can provide support, guidance, and a source of comfort on the path towards healing and wholeness.
3. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that promote physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This can include regular exercise, healthy eating, adequate sleep, relaxation techniques, play, art, and engaging in hobbies or activities that bring you joy.
4. Engage in Somatic Healing: Somatic healing, which focuses on the connection between the mind and body, offers a profound approach to navigating post traumatic growth. By tuning into bodily sensations, breathwork, and movement practices such as yoga or tai chi, you can release stored trauma, cultivate resilience, and reclaim a sense of safety and embodiment. Through somatic exploration, you can tap into the body's innate wisdom, fostering healing and transformation from the inside out.
5. Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, or support groups who can offer understanding, empathy, and encouragement. Connecting with healthy others who have experienced similar challenges can be particularly helpful in fostering a sense of belonging and validation.
6. Engage in Meaning-Making: Reflect and journal on your experiences and search for meaning or purpose in the aftermath of trauma. Consider how you can use your experiences to grow, learn, and make positive changes in your life or the lives of others.
7. Practice Gratitude: Cultivate a sense of gratitude by focusing on the things in your life that you are thankful for, even in difficult times. Keeping a gratitude journal or regularly expressing appreciation for the positive aspects of your life can help shift your perspective and foster resilience.
8. Heal through Nature: Spending time in nature and connecting with animals can be a powerful way to facilitate post traumatic growth, offering moments of solace, connection, and renewal amidst the healing process. Immersing oneself in the tranquility of natural surroundings or forming bonds with animals can evoke feelings of calm, presence, and unconditional acceptance, fostering a deeper sense of connection with oneself and the world around us.
8. Engage in Meaningful Activities: Engage in activities or pursuits that bring meaning and purpose to your life. This could include volunteering, creative expression, or involvement in causes that are important to you. Finding ways to contribute to the well-being of others can be deeply fulfilling and promote post-traumatic growth.
10. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind and compassionate towards yourself as you navigate the journey of healing and growth. Acknowledge that healing is a process and allow yourself the time and space to progress at your own pace. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend in need.
These actions and tips can serve as a foundation for attaining post traumatic growth, but remember that everyone's journey is unique. It's important to find strategies that resonate with you personally and to be patient and gentle with yourself along the way.
Stay tuned for our upcoming articles, where we will explore these strategies further and offer guidance on how to implement them effectively.
In the journey towards post traumatic growth, may you find solace in the knowledge that you are not alone, and that within you lies the resilience and strength to transcend even the darkest of times. Embrace the healing power of love, connection, and self-discovery, knowing that every step you take towards healing is a testament to your courage and resilience. May you be guided by the light of hope, supported by the warmth of compassion, and inspired by the boundless potential within you. As you navigate the twists and turns of your healing journey, may you find peace in the knowledge that with each moment of growth, you are rewriting the narrative of your life, forging a path towards a brighter, more empowered future filled with love, joy, and possibility.
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Sanki, M., & O’Connor, S. (2021). Developing an understanding of Post Traumatic Growth: Implications and application for research and intervention. International Journal of Wellbeing, 11, 1-19. https://doi.org/10.5502/IJW.V11I2.1415.
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Indra, I appreciate your beautiful writing and the vulnerability you are willing to share. That, alone, is powerfully healing. But you go so much further by offering solutions anyone can use to help us deal with the trauma we all have to some extent.
I appreciate the depth of your writing. So much of what I read, regardless of how complex or deep the topic, is just a few hundred words. Problem/solution boiled down to tweet-length simplicity. Those of us who are truly seeking to deepen our understanding of ourselves and transcend our painful childhood experiences need to be able to, first, know that the writer is speaking from a place of authenticity. I need to know you've gone through hell to get where you are. And the only way I can know that is if you share your stories deeply with me, the reader.
I need to be able to trust you understand how to transcend trauma because you are doing so yourself.
Thank you for your work. I'm here on this healing journey with you.
Lynn
Your beautifully written piece offers so much hope and love. Thank you.
I appreciate your honesty and bravery in sharing your story, which serves as an example of the process and principles you are teaching. Thank you for waking the walk with us.