When I was in my 20’s, I was a mess. A bundle of anxiety and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I panicked when I left my house without my dog. I panicked when I was out in public, or around strangers. I panicked when I drove on unfamiliar roads.
When I say I panicked, I mean I had full-on, debilitating panic attacks that knocked me over just as surely as if I had been hit by a wrecking ball. In many ways, I had.
Any exposure to violence, loud noises, sudden movements, and especially raised voices – even on the television – brought on full on flashbacks, but in those days, I thought they were hallucinations. I wondered if I was developing schizophrenia. For people with PTSD, having a flashback is essentially re-experiencing a specific traumatic event. When I used to have flashbacks, I could hear my brother and other teenaged boys jeering and insulting me. I felt myself being held down, screaming, while they hurt me.
Or I would feel my father’s hands pulling my hair as he slammed my head against a table. I would hear and feel my skull crack as it hit the corner, and feel my father’s tears as they land on my face as he screamed and I cried.
Or I smelled my brother’s breath as I fought to keep him from tearing at my clothes…
These experiences feel more real than the present, and until I was about forty-five, I had no idea there was a name and explanation for them. I just thought I was somehow a functional schizophrenic experiencing hallucinations, without understanding why. I thought maybe that’s what causes schizophrenia…terrifying memories that you can’t stop reliving.
What I know now is that trauma has a profound impact on the human brain, altering our ability to cope with everyday life and distorting our emotional responses. While the scars of trauma may be invisible, their effects are deeply felt, often manifesting as anxiety, panic attacks, and debilitating flashbacks. My journey through these challenges has been long and arduous, but it has also been a path of profound discovery and healing. By sharing my personal story, I hope to shed light on the intricate relationship between trauma and brain function, and offer insights into the various practices that can help us reclaim our lives from the shadows of our past.
Because I experienced flashbacks so frequently, and feared anyone knowing, I became adept at holding my own senses and emotions at bay, focusing hard on the part of my brain that was in the present, forcing myself to keep a normal expression on my face, forcing myself to be quiet and still. It was exhausting, and I often had a short fuse as a result.
It got to a point that, other than for work, I did not leave home. I didn’t run to the grocery store. I didn’t shop for clothes. I didn’t meet my girlfriends for lunch. I felt perfectly safe with my husband and my dog. Without them, I could not function outside of my home, except for work.
That work exception does seem to be an odd one, and I have talked with numerous people that had similar experiences. I think, for me, this was about control. I was in control when I was working. I think if I had not been, I would have panicked while working as well.
At that time in my life, I was married to a doctor who also had a great love of fine wines, and who was a strong extravert. He always wanted to host parties and go out with friends. I found that drinking helped me cope. I did not have panic attacks when I was drunk. Then he started writing prescriptions for me. I got hooked on the incredibly dangerous combination of wine, xanax, and ultram. This is a common coping mechanism amongst those who have experienced trauma and not yet transcended it. We abuse drugs or alcohol to try to manage the symptoms.
The intense and overwhelming flashbacks that I experienced also are not uncommon among trauma survivors. Trauma profoundly affects the brain, leading to significant changes in its structure and function. When we experience trauma, our brains change in three primary ways:
The part of our brain that we call the amygdala enlarges, stimulating “fight, freeze, or flight mode.” Our emotional center in the brain, the amygdala, alerts the rest of the body when a threat is detected. However, when it is enlarged, it is constantly sending a signal that the body is in danger. When the amygdala is hyperactive like this, we feel anxious and panicky all the time. This is why so many people are anxious these days. Collectively, we keep re-traumatizing each other. Now, many, many people have hyperactive amygdalas.
Simultaneously, the hippocampus, responsible for short-term memories, shrinks. The hippocampus helps us distinguish between past and present memories. People with PTSD can lose the ability to discriminate between past and present experiences, which can result in flashbacks (reliving traumatic events, as I used to do). This can also cause short-term memory loss.
The prefrontal cortex, responsible for emotional regulation, rational thought, language and conscious awareness, also shrinks, making it harder to regulate thoughts and emotions. When impacted by trauma, the prefrontal cortex is not always able to identify or manage feelings, which is how we find ourselves transmitting our trauma to others. Sometimes, for example, when my amygdala was constantly sending me messages that I was in danger, my prefrontal cortex caused me to misidentify my own emotions. I may have experienced fear and thought that I was angry. When that happens, I would look for what had made me angry. Inevitably, I would find something, and lash out. And that’s one way in which we transmit our trauma to others.
When these changes take place in our brain, they make traditional talk therapy less accessible to us. This is because our overactive, enlarged amygdala makes it difficult for us to trust, while our shrunken hippocampus makes it difficult for us to even accurately remember what happened. And, because of our shrunken prefrontal cortex, we are challenged at even identifying our emotions, much less finding the language to speak about them. For these reasons, talk therapy is not necessarily the most effective first step in healing from trauma.
Understanding these brain changes is crucial in developing effective strategies for healing. In order to embark on a path of transcending our trauma, we must first rewire our brains. We need to heal the physical damage that trauma inflicted, causing our enlarged amygdala, shrunken hippocampus and shrunken prefrontal cortex. The way to do this is much simpler, and therefore more difficult, than you would think.
The key is that we need to find ways to regulate our emotions and calm our anxieties. We can best do this through a combination of contemplative practices, rigorous exercise, and exposure to nature and animals.
As I mentioned, this might be both simpler and more difficult than you may think. The reason is that the actual activities required to rewire our brains are not very difficult. What can be challenging, however, is getting started. When we are feeling depressed and anxious, we lack motivation.
It was many months between the time that I figured out what I needed to do to kickstart my own healing and when I finally actually got started. This is why the self care itinerary I shared last week with paid subscribers is such a helpful tool, but, truly, this is the part you have to find somewhere inside you. Have you had enough self hatred? Have you had enough struggles in relationships? Are you tired of feeling so sick or tired or sad or scared or angry that you cannot seem to do anything else? Are you horrified by the ways in which you have treated others? I got to the point where I was feeling all of these things and more. And that, plus understanding how much stronger and better and more effective I could be for my beloveds, is what finally motivated me to take action.
I’d like to share with you an overview of my journey towards rewriting my brain. But I want to clarify that I am compressing a decades- long journey. Don’t expect this to come quickly or easily. But with patience, perseverance, and fortitude, you will earn grace. I promise that I know this to be true. So take the leap! And then stay with it, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard! I will be here with you, alongside so many more beautiful souls, just like you, who are committed to transcend.
How I rewired my brain to find peace
I started with the practice that was easiest for me– journaling. I’m a writer. I love words, and words help me both to understand and to shape my world. By journaling about my experiences throughout each day, I started to become more aware of thought and behavior patterns that were not helpful.
Next, I added gratitude to my journaling. I wrote five things that I was grateful for everyday. This one was tough. Sometimes, I had such difficult days that I couldn’t think of much to be grateful for. I decided it’s okay to repeat things when I needed to. Some days, all the gratitude I could find was for sunshine and my beloved animals. However, slowly, I started seeing more things that filled me with appreciation. Some of them were tiny, like a butterfly landing on a flower near me. Some of them were things that I once may have overlooked, such as the smile of the grocery store cashier.
Journaling about my days and what I was grateful for impacted the ways in which I saw and thought about my world. I was, slowly, becoming more mindful.
Next, I began to meditate. At first, this consisted of me listening to guided meditations because I found them soothing. For me, this proved to be a helpful way to begin. I took a few different meditation classes and read books about meditation. I didn’t find any of these super useful for actually learning how to meditate, but they all laid some important groundwork. The thing that was most helpful in my transition from solely focusing on guided meditations to meditating on my own was pretty much just doing it. I use the Insight Timer app because it is free and I find it quite wonderful. It has thousands of classes and guided meditations, and also offers a handy meditation timer.
I began by setting the timer for five minutes every morning, and decided to just sit still and pay attention to my breath during those five minutes. I spent a lot more time with my mind wandering than actually paying attention to my breath, but I was determined to keep going. Soon, I was able to pay attention to my breath for five minutes without much mind wandering. I increased it to ten minutes and then to fifteen.
I discovered that repeating a mantra or an affirmation was also useful during my meditation time, so I did that sometimes instead of focusing on my breath. Sometimes, I would work the mantra into my breathing, for example, if I were repeating “Om Namah Shivaya” as my mantra. I might repeat the mantra on each exhale. If I were working with a longer phrase, such as “I dwell in love, peace, and joy,” I might repeat “I dwell in love” on my inhale and “peace and joy” on my exhale.
I was years into my healing journey before I discovered how important vigorous physical exercise is. As a child, I was extremely unpopular and considered to be rather nerdy at school. The kids bullied me terribly in gym class, booing if they had to play on a team with me and yelling mercilessly when I made a mistake. It got so bad that my gym teacher, Mrs. Steel, began a remedial gym class. Every Thursday morning while other students had an extended homeroom for what they called silent sustained reading, I was whisked off to the gym along with a girl with a heart condition, a boy who was overweight, and a third child who had special needs. Mrs. Steel worked with us on learning how to throw and catch and tried to help us gain some confidence. I remain terribly grateful for Mrs. Steel’s efforts, however, I did not gain the confidence or skills that she hoped to impart.
Although I was unsuccessful in gym class, when I was young I loved to dance, and was talented enough to win a scholarship to a respected ballet academy. Unfortunately, though, I was raped repeatedly during my adolescence. When that happened, I lost interest in ballet and gave up my pursuit, never actually connecting the two events until decades later.
Despite my early success with dance, I went through most of my life believing that I was physically inept. It wasn’t until just a few years ago, coming out of a fairly debilitating depression, that I discovered the benefits of working out really hard. And I discovered it by accident. One of my vices when depressed is binge eating, so it was no surprise that I found myself forty pounds overweight. A friend (the same wonderful, life-saving friend that drafted my first self care itinerary) suggested that I try Pilates. I had the opportunity to sign up for private instruction, which helped me to feel more confident than I would in a group setting. My trainer was incredibly kind while she explained every single little thing I did not understand. She was also invested in my progress. When I started working with her, my abdominal muscles were so weak that I could not even sit upright from lying down without using my hands to push myself up. When I finally built up the strength to do this, she celebrated as if it were her own victory. And every little win motivated me to come back for more.
What Pilates did for me was to help me to gain a sense of where my body is in space, while also giving me control over it. At the same time, I was developing strength, flexibility, and balance. But what I was really doing was taking my body back. I was not only reconnecting to it. I was also starting to love it again (or maybe for the first time).
But here’s the thing, when I added pilates, hiking, and later some more challenging yoga to my self care plan, along with meditation, a whole foods, plant-based diet and lots of time outside with my beloved rescued animals, something wild and totally unpredictable happened.
For the first time in my life, my depression lifted.
It lifted! The lifelong raincloud that enshrouded me was gone! And it hasn’t come back, for which I am extraordinarily grateful.
I find myself happy to get up each morning. I have more energy. I am far less interested in punishing myself through binge eating. I drink less. My panic attacks, flashbacks, and nightmares have disappeared, and I have found that I truly do enjoy life – even when things are challenging.
Through this process of committing to these practices, I have finally found the person who has been buried under all of that trauma and pain. She is beautiful on the inside. She is full of love and light and creativity. She is a warrior.
I have done a lot of personal work, and I have finally come to a place where I can say with conviction that my PTSD is in remission. My panic attacks and flashbacks are gone. I am happy and healthy. I am better able to treat those around me with compassion. I am present for my beloveds, and I am finally present for myself.
I believe that anyone who is struggling with the effects of trauma can benefit from these practices. It is a long and difficult road, but it is worth it. Healing from trauma is not just about feeling better. It is about finding ourselves again. It is about becoming the people we were always meant to be.
Benediction
As we conclude this exploration of how trauma impacts our brains, and how we can rewire our brains to transcend, remember that healing is a journey unique to each of us. It is a path that requires patience, courage, and self-compassion. Embrace the power of love and nature, the solace of contemplative practices, and the strength found in physical exercise. Each step you take towards healing rewires your brain, rekindles your spirit, and reconnects you with the world around you. Trust in your resilience and know that you are not alone in this journey. Together, we can find the light in the darkest of places and reclaim the joy, peace, and strength that trauma has tried to steal. Keep moving forward with hope and determination, for your story of recovery is just beginning.
Your Thoughts?
Does this essay resonate with you? Why or why not? Did you find any of the suggestions helpful? What questions do you have? What do you hope to read in future articles? Please share your answers in the comments below.
Discussion (AKA a brief overview of studies that support my wacky claims…)
Contemplative practices, such as meditation, yoga, and spiritual exercises, have been increasingly studied for their potential benefits in trauma recovery. They help us to process and heal from our traumatic experiences, and research shows that these activities play a critical role in rewiring our brains. Studies show that regular meditation and yoga both contribute to shrinking the amygdala back to its normal size and growing the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex back to their pre-trauma sizes. We don’t know yet why this happens, however polyvagal theory offers some likely explanations. The results, which I also experienced, are that we are once again able to be calm, we can identify and talk about our emotions, we build resilience, and increase overall well-being. Let’s take a quick look at what some studies have revealed that meditation and yoga can do for our brains.
Yoga and meditation help us to:
Identify and manage our emotions and increase our acts of kindness, compassion, and empathy: Contemplative practices reduce negative emotional behaviors, such as rumination, depression, and anxiety, while increasing positive affect and mindfulness. These practices also enhance the recognition of emotions in others and promote prosocial responses1.
Build resilience: Individuals benefit from contemplative practices like breathing exercises, gratitude practices, and visual journaling, which help manage triggers and improve health outcomes by building resilience2.
Experience physiological benefits: Mindfulness-related interventions increase parasympathetic activity and vagal tone, which are associated with improved symptoms of PTSD and OCD. These physiological changes support the polyvagal theory, suggesting that such practices enhance the capacity to regulate emotional states and promote resilience3.
Develop healthy relationships: Those dealing with moral injury and embedded trauma benefit from spiritual practices like silent meditation or Centering Prayer. These practices help with the acceptance of difficult emotions and thoughts, and encourage community and peer support for deeper healing and trust4.
Studies of people diagnosed with Rape Trauma Syndrome, which is a form of PTSD, also suggest that vigorous exercise may help alleviate symptoms by improving cognitive function, reducing memory impairment, and decreasing negative post-traumatic thoughts. In other words, exercise clears your mind and makes it easier to stay positive. Let’s take a look at some specific studies and their outcomes.
Exercise helps us in the following ways:
Cognitive Function Improvement: Vigorous aerobic exercise training has been shown to improve cognitive function in individuals with RTS due to the cognitive impairments often associated with PTSD5.
Neuroinflammation Reduction: Physical activity can reduce neuroinflammation and facilitate cognitive recovery6.
Synaptic Plasticity: Exercise can attenuate changes in molecular systems involved with protein turnover following brain trauma, which may be significant for synaptic plasticity and cognitive function7.
Combined Exercise and Meditation (MAP Training): A combination of meditation and aerobic exercise (MAP Training) significantly reduces trauma-related thoughts, ruminations, and memories in women with a history of sexual violence. This combination is more effective than either activity alone in reducing symptoms of PTSD and enhancing self-worth7.
While contemplative practices and vigorous exercise are important keys for healing, time spent in nature and with rescued farm animals is by far the most effective activity for those transcending their trauma. Immersing oneself in the natural world and engaging with animals who have their own stories of resilience offers a unique form of therapeutic interaction that accelerates emotional healing and mental well-being. The tranquility of nature combined with the unconditional acceptance from animals creates a powerful environment for recovery. In an upcoming article, we will examine in greater detail how these interactions work to soothe the nervous system, rebuild emotional resilience, and foster a profound sense of connection and purpose. And, next week, paid subscribers will have the opportunity to deepen their healing through a new guided meditation and a worksheet that can help you find the best forms of exercise for you.
References
Kemeny, M., Foltz, C., Cullen, M., & Jennings, P. (2012). Contemplative/emotion training reduces negative emotional behavior and promotes prosocial responses.. Emotion, 12 2, 338-50 . https://doi.org/10.1037/a0026118.
Fiske, E., Martin, S., & Luetkemeyer, J. (2020). Building Nurses' Resilience to Trauma Through Contemplative Practices. Creative Nursing, 26, e90 - e96. https://doi.org/10.1891/CRNR-D-20-00054.
Poli, A., Gemignani, A., Soldani, F., & Miccoli, M. (2021). A Systematic Review of a Polyvagal Perspective on Embodied Contemplative Practices as Promoters of Cardiorespiratory Coupling and Traumatic Stress Recovery for PTSD and OCD: Research Methodologies and State of the Art. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 18. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph182211778.
Emmerich, S. (2022). Contemplative practice, acceptance, and healing in moral injury. Journal of Health Care Chaplaincy, 28, S25 - S31. https://doi.org/10.1080/08854726.2022.2032977.
Chin, L., Keyser, R., Dsurney, J., & Chan, L. (2015). Improved cognitive performance following aerobic exercise training in people with traumatic brain injury.. Archives of physical medicine and rehabilitation, 96 4, 754-9 . https://doi.org/10.1016/j.apmr.2014.11.009.
Piao, C., Stoica, B., Wu, J., Sabirzhanov, B., Zhao, Z., Cabatbat, R., Loane, D., & Faden, A. (2013). Late exercise reduces neuroinflammation and cognitive dysfunction after traumatic brain injury. Neurobiology of Disease, 54, 252-263. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.nbd.2012.12.017.
Shors, T., Chang, H., & Millon, E. (2018). MAP Training My Brain™: Meditation Plus Aerobic Exercise Lessens Trauma of Sexual Violence More Than Either Activity Alone. Frontiers in Neuroscience, 12. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnins.2018.00211.
Oh, Indra, first I want to acknowledge what you've overcome. The brutality you faced as a child and adolescent could have been life-ending. I'm imagining the amount of strength you had to survive and then get to a place of being ready to face this as an adult without self-medicating. I can see the miracles in that.
I can relate to anxiety, though my childhood origins of it are different. It was really hard to remain present as a child. I was so checked out I couldn't remember simple dance combos in my ballet and jazz classes and the teacher, Miss Reynolds, who was formidable, would become extremely frustrated with me. But in school plays, I danced well. I couldn't identify then that Miss Reynolds triggered the same feelings my overly critical mother triggered and the same reaction in me — zoning out.
I find that the harder I exercise physically, the less anxiety I have. Yoga helps, but when the anxiety is high, I need to jog. I sometimes sob while I'm jogging and I don't even know why. It's a physical release that doesn't seem connected to my thoughts. And meditation is KEY for my wellbeing.
I am so incredibly grateful for Journey to Wholeness. You are helping me more than I can say.
Thank you.